


Redefine Happiness

by hidekaneheadcanons



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, Ghost!AU, Ghost!Hide, M/M, and pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 22:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10817955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidekaneheadcanons/pseuds/hidekaneheadcanons
Summary: He only saw the spirit as a dark shadow before, but there he was, in full colour in front of him. Kaneki could hear him humming a tune as he picked up the coffee pot, examining it. Based on all the things the spirit dropped while examining them, Kaneki didn’t want him messing with the most important part of his morning.“Please put that down.” Kaneki sighed.And of course he dropped it, the pot shattering as it hit the floor.





	Redefine Happiness

Kaneki never believed in ghosts. Sure, he read plenty of horror novels, always a little scared and intrigued by the terror they inflicted on humans, but he was safe from them in reality. Wasn’t he?

Apparently not.

Kaneki moved into a new apartment, one closer to the university. It cost about the same amount as his old one, though it was smaller. That was the price he paid for the location, he supposed. The apartment was nice though, and everything seemed to fit just right. He lived their comfortably for a few days, nothing seeming amiss.

Then weird things started happening. Kaneki brushed it off at first. He commonly misplaced things, but it seemed to be a little extreme when he found books in strange places all over the house. Sometimes when he was sitting on the couch, it would feel as though someone sat beside him. The television channels would seem to change on random, and would keep doing so, no matter how many times he tried to turn them back.

Then came the apparitions. They usually occurred late at night, or rather, early in the morning. Kaneki would wake up for no apparent reason, swearing he saw a man standing at the foot of his bed, only to see him disappear. Then he began seeing him in the other shadows of the house as well. If he got up in the middle of the night, the man was there in the hallway. If Kaneki stayed up while studying or reading a book under dim lamp light, he could see the man out of the corner of his eye.

Strangely, it became a part of his life. The spirit bothered him at first, but he grew accustomed to his presence. He never did anything to scare Kaneki, nor did he seem to give off a negative vibe. The spirit started showing up more in the daytime too, and when he did, Kaneki swore he could smell flowers and fresh linen. The apparitions became more apparent. Sometimes Kaneki swore he could hear talking late at night when he was lying in bed. Sometimes he would hear crashes that would wake him and find something shattered on the ground in the morning.

Kaneki woke up one morning as he usually did, stumbling sleepily into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, but he pulled up short when he saw someone already in there. He momentarily thought he had an intruder, until he noticed the familiar build and stature. He only saw the spirit as a dark shadow before, but there he was, in full colour in front of him. Kaneki could hear him humming a tune as he picked up the coffee pot, examining it. Based on all the things the spirit dropped while examining them, Kaneki didn’t want him messing with the most important part of his morning.

“Please put that down.” Kaneki sighed.

And of course he dropped it, the pot shattering as it hit the floor.

“You can see me?” The spirit cried. “Holy _shit_! No way!”

Kaneki looked at the spirit tiredly, then back to the glass scattered across the floor. “You broke it.”

“You _can_ see me!” Then the spirit jump at Kaneki, holding his arms out like he was going to hug him, only to pass through his body. He made a strangled noise as he hit the floor.

Kaneki stared down at the spirit on the ground and sighed again.

~<3<3<3~

The spirit, Hide – as Kaneki had learned, spent the last few days rather quietly, only appearing briefly for some time, and never full apparitions like the time in the kitchen. Kaneki didn’t think he would ever get over the sight of a flying, talking, highly distracting head.

Hide hardly ever stopped talking, whether it be commentary on the book Kaneki was reading, or begging him to turn on the television, or to change the channel, or whining about the weather, or about how he was sad he couldn’t style his hair anymore. Kaneki was a little annoyed at first, since he liked his quiet. But, he eventually got used to Hide’s presence, learning to drown him out if he had to. He came to kind of like Hide, finding that despite being a ghost, he seemed to brighten up the room.

“Ka-ne-ki.” Hide’s head floated into the room and he rested it on the back of the couch, pouting.

Kaneki sighed. “What is it now?”

“It’s nice out. Could you open the window?”

“Why don’t you open it yourself?” Kaneki flipped to the next page of his book. “You seemed plenty capable last week.”

“But Kaneki” Hide drew out his name, pouting even more than he was before. “What if I can’t?” Hide’s head floated right between Kaneki’s face and the book. “ _Hey_. Are you even listening to me?”

“I’ll open the window then.” Kaneki set his book down and did as Hide asked, then settled back on the couch, turning the volume up on the television so Hide could hear it better over the sound of outside. Hide sat down beside him, looking thoughtful.

“You know, even though you can’t see my body, I can. But since you can’t see it, I don’t have to bother manifesting clothes either.”

“So what you’re telling me is that you’re sitting bare-ass naked on my couch.” Kaneki glared in Hide’s direction, but that only made him grin.

“I mean, technically. You got a problem with ghost butt?”

Hide just kept grinning, making Kaneki frown. He couldn’t help but feel like Hide’s good humour and mood was being forced. Even as he started humming along with an intro song to one of the shows he liked, Kaneki felt like there was something bothering Hide, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He couldn’t know without Hide talking to him.

Kaneki joined Hide in watching the show, pursing his lips. Did it have to do with Hide not being able to open the window earlier? Or was it something more?

Kaneki really didn’t know what else to do other than ask him what was wrong. He had no idea what the ghost could be dealing with. Did Hide remember his past life? Was that what was bothering him?

Their show was just coming to an end and Kaneki decided to ask him then. He was more than surprised when Hide almost burst into tears, his voice sounding tight and wetness in the corners of his eyes.

“I’ve used up too much energy. I’ll be disappearing for a while soon.” He sobbed, ghostly hands fabricating into existence to cover his face. “I don’t want to sleep again.”

“Sleep?” Kaneki didn’t know ghosts could sleep. “For how long? How long are you going to be gone for? When do I get to see you again?” Did ghosts go to sleep for days, weeks, months, or maybe even _years_?

Hide wiped some on his tears. “It’ll be for a few days.”

Kaneki ‘patted’ him on the shoulder. It wasn’t like he could touch him, but the gesture was comforting none the less. “It’s not that long. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“But, _Kaneki_. It’s so _terrible_.” Hide stopped, almost seeming to catch himself before he continued, clearing his throat. “It’s like sitting in a white room for days on end. It’s awful. Not only that, but I’m _also_ going to miss the next episode of that crime show tomorrow!”

“I’ll record it for you.” Kaneki huffed. “Besides, if you need the rest, then isn’t it good for you? Like it would be for a human?”

“Humans have _dreams_ Kaneki.” Hide mumbled, still clearly upset.

Kaneki continued to pat Hide’s shoulder. “Try to look forward to the next episode. And also the hug I will give you when you get back and can actually materialize.”

“A hug?” Hide’s expression brightened immediately.

Kaneki smiled at his obvious enthusiasm. “Yes, a hug. Now seriously, go to _sleep_. It can’t be good for you not to.”

Hide nodded and Kaneki watched as Hide seemingly faded from existence.

~<3<3<3~

The darkness swirled around Hide. He could hear the pounding of his heart as he ducked around a corner and ran down the alley. His hand dropped to his abdomen, which was bleeding heavily. Hide probed at the laceration with his fingertips, wincing.

_Fuck._

Hide caught himself against the side of a building just before he fell. He gasped as his fingernails dragged across the stone, tearing. Just as he collapsed to his knees, he heard the sound of pounding footsteps. He attempted to crawl forward, to do anything, to hide in the shadows. Behind something, anything. He just had to hide. If only he could hide.

Then rough hands grabbed the back of his shirt and he was thrown into the wall, and a knife was held his throat. He wheezed as the blade nicked his skin and he fought back tears. He knew what was going to happen. There was no escaping it. He glared up into the eyes of his murderer. He never imagined to die simply from being a witness to a crime.

Then the knife cut across and Hide could no longer breathe, hardly even registering the way the front of his shirt soaked with blood. The last thing he saw before everything went black was the alley around him as his body was lifted and thrown into the nearby dumpster.

Hide was gasping, feeling the urge to claw at his throat, to somehow stop the bleeding and free up the space in his lungs so that they could fill with air, with precious oxygen, even as his limbs gave out, even as every last sense left him, until the pain left him. Until he was left with nothing.

Until there was something.

When Hide came to, there was a bright light shining into his eyes, and a figure leaning above him. He smelt vanilla and coffee and a few other pleasant scents which calmed his nerves.

“Am I dreaming?” He murmured. Was it some dream? Was he still in that dumpster, bleeding out? Or was it some nightmare he had? That was right. He had to get ready for his afternoon classes. It already felt late. He couldn’t afford to miss anymore, or the professor would get angry with him

Then there was a somewhat familiar voice which made Hide’s head spin with confusion. Where did he know it from? He hummed in question, finding his voice wasn’t quite working.

“Are you okay?” The figured leaned over him close enough Hide could make out Kaneki’s face.

Then everything suddenly snapped back into place. That’s right. Hide died that night, inside the dumpster, so many months ago.

~<3<3<3~

 “Am I dreaming?” Hide voice sounded strange. Strained and slurred. Kaneki leaned down, trying to run his a comforting hand through his hair, forgetting it would pass through.

“Are you okay?” Kaneki asked in concern, eyes darting over Hide, who still seemed to be rather confused. Hide blinked up at him, then his face cleared.

“Geez.” Hide placed his hands over his face. “How long has it been?”

“Nearly a week.” Kaneki murmured. “You… looked a little lost there for a second.”

“That… uh.” Hide hesitated before he spoke, biting his lip. “I kind of forgot I was dead for a bit.”

“Oh.” Kaneki whispered.

Hide scratched the back of his head. “You remember… the thing I said about ghosts not being able to dream?”

Kaneki nodded, his eyebrows drawing inward as he waited for Hide to continue.

“We don’t dream, but we… sort of get flashbacks to the last moments of our lives.” Hide appeared troubled, frowning as he stared at the ground.

Kaneki’s chest felt tight. “Is it like that the whole time?” Had he lied to Kaneki earlier, knowing the truth would upset him?

“No, no.” Hide shook his head quickly. “It’s either black or white space for most of the time. It’s boring and sometimes fuzzy, somehow. The flashbacks usually come around the end of our sleep.”

“That’s…” Kaneki’s voice was thick as he spoke, and he quickly ran the backs of his hands over his cheeks, not surprised to find them wet.

“Hey,” Hide’s voice was gentle, and when Kaneki dropped his hands, he could see Hide’s gentle smile. “Don’t cry for me.”

“Hide…”

“Nope.” Hide pursed his lips in concentration, then fulling materialized and poked Kaneki in the forehead with his index finger. “I made the choice to stay here as a ghost, and this is the price I pay. It’s a decision I made, so don’t dwell on it. I don’t.”

After a few seconds, Kaneki nodded. Hide grinned and ruffled his hair.

“Good. Now, about that episode you recorded for me…”

~<3<3<3~

Kaneki was fairly use to Hide’s ghostly presence… and the way he would suddenly announce it by proclaiming something, making Kaneki jump. It wasn’t like Hide made any noise when he walked, well… unless he wanted to.

Kaneki was laying on his stomach on the couch, getting ready to play the episode Hide missed of his favourite television show. Kaneki hardly paid any attention to it. Drama wasn’t his favourite genre, though Hide seemed to enjoy it a lot.

“Hey, Kaneki!”

Kaneki sighed, nearly flinching. “Yes, Hide?”

“Hold still.” And Hide promptly launched himself on Kaneki’s back.

Kaneki pushed himself up onto his elbows “Wha –“

Then Hide wrapped his arms around Kaneki’s torso, half falling behind him and sliding between Kaneki and the back of the couch. He wiggled, nuzzling his face against Kaneki’s shoulder blade. “Don’t forget the hug you promised me.”

“I said a hug. Not cuddles.” Kaneki groaned, struggling to get into a comfortable position.

Hide wrapped his arms around Kaneki’s waist, fingers brushing against his ribs. “Cuddles are much nicer though, and you’re warm.”

Kaneki had to agree about the cuddles, and while Kaneki was _warm_ , Hide was _cold_. “If you’re going to crawl over me, at least grab a blanket.”

“Yeah, sure. Hang on.” Hide stuck his hand out, and after a few moments, a blanket came flying over from on top of the chair across the room. Kaneki heard it knock something over in the process and Hide’s resounding curse.

Kaneki just shook his head. “I’ll worry about it later.”

Hide pulled the blanket over them, humming happily. His legs tangled with Kaneki’s as he settled. Kaneki may have put the recorded show on, but it seemed Hide wasn’t watching it at all, and took much more interest in playing with Kaneki’s hair. Kaneki didn’t mind. It was… kind of nice, actually.

It was good to see Hide in a better mood, smiling and happy again, even if he was a little clingier than he was before. Kaneki let himself get lost in the show they were watching, Hide’s ministrations lulling him almost to the point of sleep.

~<3<3<3~

Summer was in full swing and it was ridiculously hot out. Hide enjoyed the heat. However, Kaneki did not. After days of watching Kaneki toss and turn in bed, covered in sweat even as the AC was running, Hide made a tempting offer. So there he laid in bed with Kaneki, his face tucked against his chest. Kaneki’s hair was messed, and Hide amused himself by playing with it.

Kaneki twitched every once in a while, sighing in his sleep and nuzzling against Hide. Hide could hear Kaneki’s heart beating, feel his chest expand as he breathed. He was _alive_. And Hide… well… Hide _wasn’t._ Hide wished he was alive. He wished he could be with Kaneki the way a normal person could. He wished he could have a normal life. He wished he could hold him and be with him the way he wanted.

“Hide?” He thought Kaneki said his name in his sleep, but instead, his eyes were open, staring at Hide with inquiry. “You’re shaking.”

“Am I?” Hide’s fingers were trembling against Kaneki’s back. Hide tangled them in the folds of Kaneki’s shirt, taking a deep breath. “Sorry I woke you. You should go back to sleep.”

“Are you okay?” Kaneki sat up, rubbing his eyes, looking so sweet and caring that Hide wanted to nestle in his arms and never leave. “Are you… are you crying?”

“No, I…” But Hide’s voice betrayed him. “I… I think I need a hug.”

Kaneki hummed softly, slipping his arms around Hide’s waist. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I…” Hide sighed. Kaneki still watched him closely, his silver eyes wide. Fingers still trembling, HIde carefully cupped Kaneki’s cheek. “Thank you, for… for everything. I wish I could – no. Never mind.”

Kaneki touched the back of Hide’s hand lightly, then he shifted closer. Close enough Hide could feel the warmth of his breath against his lips. Hide wasn’t sure who made the next move. Maybe it was both of them at the same time. Kaneki’s lips were against his and they were _kissing_ and Hide had never felt so alive since he died.

It was almost like there was a phantom heartbeat in his chest. It almost made him feel like he was alive. It almost made him feel he could brave the silence when Kaneki went back to sleep, leaving him to his own thoughts.

He almost thought he could delay the inevitable.

~<3<3<3~

Kaneki often had nightmares. He never told Hide what they were about, but he knew they had to be bad. Kaneki would wake up in a cold sweat, or be crying. Hide always knew when he had one because he would uneasily shuffle out of his room and make a beeline for the coffeemaker, staying up the rest of the night and reading. Rarely, Kaneki would be lucky enough to fall asleep on the couch, leaving Hide to cover him with a blanket.

Hide was hardly surprised when he saw Kaneki’s door open and he stumbled out, his hair sticking to his forehead. When Hide heard him cry out a couple minutes earlier, he already went ahead and started the coffee. Kaneki blinked slowly as he watched the pot slowly fill with the dark liquid. He was getting a lot better at controlling his powers.

Kaneki poured himself a cup when it was done, walking over to the couch to sit down, where Hide was waiting with a blanket and Kaneki’s favourite book. Hide wrapped the blanket around Kaneki, sliding the book into his free hand.

“Thank you,” Kaneki murmured quietly.

Hide walked around to sit beside him and Kaneki leaned against him, sighing. Hide smiled as Kaneki took a slow sip of his coffee, and Hide ruffled his hair lightly. Kaneki snuggled closer, seeming to enjoy the contact, and Hide automatically wrapped an arm around him.

“Hold me closer.” Kaneki had his eyes closed and his forehead was starting to smooth out as he relaxed more.

“Of course.” Hide pulled them tight together, tucking Kaneki’s head under his chin. At times like this, Hide wished he had a warm body, and not the ice cold one he had. But Kaneki didn’t seem to mind, or even notice as he started to doze off again, slipping down until his head rested on Hide’s lap. Hide gently moved him to a more comfortable position and then picked up Kaneki’s book.

Then, he started reading. He wanted to get to know Kaneki. He wanted to remember him, remember what he liked, and remember what he cared about.

~<3<3<3~

Hide was upset. Kaneki didn’t know why, but Hide was laying on his couch, pouting up at the ceiling. His body was half-fading out of existence, like he couldn’t be bothered to put the energy in to manifest it entirely.

Kaneki plopped down on the couch, phasing through Hide’s transparent torso. Hide made a noise of complaint, his eyes finally focusing on something other than Kaneki’s dull, peeling ceiling.

“What’s wrong?” Kaneki asked, patting his lap.

Hide sighed, then shifted so he could rest his head in Kaneki’s lap. Unfortunately, Hide didn’t have a lot of energy left and put all of it into making his head physical, so the rest of his body disappeared. Kaneki ran his fingers through Hide’s hair, brushing his thumbs against Hide’s cheeks.

“I’m so cold,” Hide muttered. “I wish I wasn’t cold. Then you wouldn’t be uncomfortable when we cuddled.”

Kaneki’s chest ached at those words. Of course Hide was worried about that. But… it wasn’t like they had a normal relationship. They could hardly do anything _normal_. But, it wasn’t like Kaneki minded. He cared for Hide, he liked spending time with him, and didn’t miss the kinds of things they couldn’t do normally.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Kaneki insisted.

Hide shook his head. “You literally had to buy more blankets so you don’t freeze to death while lying next to me.” Hide was staring at the ground, his expression pinched.

Kaneki sighed. “But I like lying next to you. Besides, after an hour or so, you start to warm up.”

“Do I?” Hide’s expression brightened just a little.

“Yeah. It’s really nice. Also you give the best back rubs.” Kaneki leaned down and kissed Hide’s forehead.

“Huh. I guess detachable ghost arms do come in handy for something.” Hide grinned.

Kaneki groaned. “If you make another pun I’m throwing your head out the window.”

Hide laughed. “How about you give me some kisses instead.”

Kaneki smiled and pressed their lips together, Hide’s cold against his. After a few moments, Hide thought Kaneki would pull back, but the kiss when on and on, not increasing in urgency or passion, but staying gentle and relaxed.

Finally, Kaneki pulled back and brushed his fingers against Hide’s lips. “See? They’re warm now, aren’t they?”

Hide used his super useful detachable ghost hands to pull Kaneki into another kiss.

~<3<3<3~

Hide pretended not to notice that Kaneki noticed his increasingly frequent need for ‘sleep’. Hide pretended not to notice his need for sleep at all. He tried to ignore it the best he could, but it was becoming a more glaring problem with each passing week, and Hide didn’t know how much longer he could take the way Kaneki was looking at him. Hide didn’t know how much longer he could take how Kaneki’s face would drop with worry when a part of Hide’s body fazed in and out of existence without him knowing.

Hide didn’t think he could go on any longer pretending things were okay. He didn’t know how to tell Kaneki how _selfish_ he felt. Hide knew it wouldn’t last, deep in his heart, before they even kissed. That he wouldn’t last. That it wouldn’t be long at all before he disappeared.

And there was nothing he could do about it.

He was as helpless as when his life was taken him. And he was helpless now because his death was being taken from him too. He was being taken away from the only person that ever made him feel alive, that made him more alive in death than in life.

“Hide.” Kaneki sat down with him one day. Hide just finished sleeping the day previously, and already all he could manifest was his head and one hand. Kaneki had a grave expression and Hide knew he had probably figured out everything.

Hide just wished he would hate him for it. Hide hated himself for it. But, he knew Kaneki never could. He knew Kaneki loved him, and that just made it hurt all the more. He made Kaneki love him, knowing things could only be brief for them. He wiggled his way into Kaneki’s heart, and when Hide left, he knew it would hurt Kaneki greatly.

“Are you tired?” Kaneki whispered gently. He reached over and brushed Hide’s cheek with his fingers. “Do you want to come lay in bed with me?”

Hide nodded and followed Kaneki back into his bedroom, resting his head on Kaneki’s arm. Kaneki was staring at him, like he was mapping every plane of Hide’s face. Hide was doing the same. It was when Kaneki started to run his fingers through Hide’s fragmented hair that Hide started to cry. Hide saw his own tears reflected in Kaneki’s eyes.

“I love you,” Kaneki said, his voice thick. “I’m so happy you haunted this place and dropped that stupid coffee pot.” Kaneki pressed their foreheads together. “I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

“I love you too.” When Hide spoke, it came out in sobs. He only hoped Kaneki could understand him. “I’ll never forget you. _Never_.”

Kaneki nodded, his grey eyes watery and red. “I’ll remember you. Always.” His face contorted and he let out a sob. “But it’s time for you to sleep now, isn’t it?”

“I think it is.” Hide closed his eyes, knowing he wouldn’t be opening them again, knowing he would never wake up again, knowing he would never wake from nightmares to Kaneki’s voice or face again.

**Author's Note:**

> When will the writing gods bless me with the ability to kill off my favourite characters without crying?


End file.
